i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
