ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
