A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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