the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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