I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
