the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
