Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
