i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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