I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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