I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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