Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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