My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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