He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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