We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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