why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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