I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
His hands were made for my vagina.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
