So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
only you would photoshop your dick
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
