Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
