so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
