I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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