remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
