Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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