I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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