Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
