I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
