Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
