My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Your cock deserves a montage
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
