She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
