Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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