Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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