So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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