I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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