u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
