All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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