note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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