I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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