I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
