I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
