Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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