I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
