***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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