there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
