I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
