Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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