dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
