I faked an abortion last night.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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