i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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