I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
