I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
