what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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