Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend