Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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