He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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