He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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