I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
