the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
