I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
