is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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