I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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