I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
