You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
