He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
