He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
