Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Who wears a wallet chain?!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
